Wow, I can't believe it's been several weeks since my last post. Guess I got swept up in Bruins playoff fervor!!!!!!!
If you've ever met me, you will know the above statement is false.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that they won the Stanley Cup. I was less thrilled that the streets of Boston were filled with loud, drunk people last night. What is about sports fans running up to people and screaming in their faces? What is the purpose of that?
I spent last night doing the exact opposite of watching the game: I went to a literary magazine launch party/author reading and then took in the latest Woody Allen film. I was listening to poetry when the Bruins scored their first goal.
Sports fandom has always mystified me. It's not dissimilar to religious fervor. Fans can't control or predict whether their team will win, but they believe they can win and more importantly, SHOULD win. The chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" confused me last night, until I remembered that we beat a team FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, making the victory all the more sweet. It was a triumph for AMERICA, you guys. We might as well have been playing [insert dangerous Middle Eastern country du jour] or Libya or North Korea.
Most likely my dislike of sports stems from my complete and utter inability to play them well. Watching sports churns up feelings of inadequacy dating back to my middle school and high school days. I am uncoordinated and not fast, nor am I graceful or agile. I am a good swimmer and a decent skier, but anything that requires hitting, passing, kicking, throwing or catching a ball is beyond my capabilities.
I had the misfortune to attend a high school where sports were very important and all students were forced to play a team sport two out of the three seasons. The real athletes hated this policy because people like me were bringing them down and the non-athletes hated this policy for obvious reasons. Not being athletic was just another strike against me, right alongside not having a sufficiently WASPy name or driving an SUV. And since I wasn't good enough to really play on any teams, I had to suffer the indignity of being the "manager" -- i.e. running the scoreboard at games, putting the equipment away after practice. One afternoon during my duties as JV Girls Volleyball manager, my "teammates" decided it would be funny to spike volleyballs...at me.
So yeah, I guess it's no wonder that I'm not a fan of sports or sports fans. Musical theater fans are much more my speed -- I mean, no one got stabbed after the Tony Awards.
In college, my friends and I used to play a game where we would take turns stating issues/events/people that we couldn't care less about. The more controversial (i.e. "global warming," "who killed JonBenet"), the better. Behold my current list of things that people around me seem to give a shit about, much to my disbelief.
1. March Madness
Is it over yet? I'm so tired of hearing about brackets and seeds and how [insert college] got robbed. For some reason, the NCAA championship irks me more any other major sports tournament. I like watching the Superbowl and I always sort of follow the World Series. I didn't go to a school where basketball was at all important, so maybe that's the issue? I don't know.
I usually watch AI, but this season I can't seem to muster up the energy. Recent winners have been lackluster (Jordin Sparks? Seriously?) and I just can't pretend anymore that these people deserve fame and record deals. Even Paula's insanity has lost its charm. I wish we could just fast-forward to May and So You Think You Can Dance!
3. How wasted you were last night
So, BU kids on the B line? SHUT THE FUCK UP.
4. Failing banks
Clearly I should care about this. But I just keep thinking about the awesome scene in It's a Wonderful Life when there's a run on the bank and everyone wants their money back from Bailey Building & Loan. Check it out:
Maybe if Citibank fails, Obama would make us all sandwiches or something. I don't keep much money in the bank, so I'm not too concerned. Now, if there was a possibility that the shoebox under my bed might fail, then I'd be worried.
(Note to would-be burglars: I do not actually keep money in a shoebox under my bed.)
5. The fictional Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston feud
Obviously, there is no feud. But if there were....Team Aniston all the way!
In case you are not sure which team to root for, let me help you out. First, click here for some appropriate music to play while you read. 1. Yale's team is the Bulldogs. Bulldogs are cute and feisty (just like me!)
Harvard's team (and their daily newspaper) is the Crimson, which reminds me of my period, as well as that scene in "Clueless" when Alicia Silverstone tells Wallace Shawn she is "surfing the crimson wave." To summarize: yuck.
2. BILL CLINTON went to Yale! George Bush also went to Yale.
3. Yale's fight songs were written by Cole Porter. Perhaps you've heard of him?
4. The Yale Precision Marching Band, in addition to featuring standard band instruments, includes violins, bagpipes, accordions, keyboards, cowbells, triangles, and air guitars. Their halftime shows are more about pyrotechnics than fancypants formations. Basically, they like to blow shit up on the field.
5. Harvard sucks (and Princeton doesn't matter).
There are too many other reasons to list here, but basically, GO ELIS, and wear blue on Saturday! If you're in the Cambridge area, visit me Friday night at Hong Kong in Harvard Square or track me down at the Yale Club of Boston's tailgate on Saturday.
