Thirty and Flirty and Thriving (?)

I've been listening to this song a lot lately -- "I Don't Feel Young" by Wye Oak, an indie folk group currently touring with the Decemberists.

As some of you know, I turned 30 on Tuesday. And it's true -- I don't feel young. This felt like a significant birthday. I was nothing but excited about it for the months leading up to it; I'm optimistic about the next decade and what it might hold. And yet, the day before my birthday, I suddenly felt a little panicked and sad. My 20s are over and what do I have to show for them?

Well, I don't have a great answer for that. But I don't think I wasted them entirely. I spent most of them in New York, the last few years in Boston. I've definitely had a lot of....adventures. I'll probably have some in my 30s, too. Also, according to my stepmom, in my 30s I am allowed to wear more outrageous outfits and larger jewelry.

And as for my gift to myself? I am actually doing none of the things I wrote about. Psych! However, the solo trip to Spain received the most votes and I am doing something similar -- I'm (hopefully, pending some scholarship money) going on a service trip to China for two weeks in July. I'll spend one week volunteering in a rural province outside of Shanghai and one week sightseeing in Beijing. I'm super excited about it and feel it's a great thing way to travel and also give something back.

In terms of the birthday itself, the day was largely uneventful. It started with my printer deciding to no longer work and almost making me late for a meeting. After my meeting I got a manicure, a fun new haircut and threw myself a party at Marliave, which was a blast. Friends from Lineage, Emerson, and Funkin' A! all represented. This weekend, I'm headed to New York to celebrate with college and post-college friends.

This blog is 2.5 years old and I'm 30. Hopefully, both are getting better with age. I'll conclude here with a great Kenneth Koch poem, a wistful and funny ode to the decade I just exited.

To My Twenties

How lucky that I ran into you
When everything was possible
For my legs and arms, and with hope in my heart
And so happy to see any woman
O woman! O my twentieth year!
Basking in you, you
Oasis from both growing and decay
Fantastic unheard of nine- or ten-year oasis
A palm tree, hey! And then another
And another (and water!)
I’m still very impressed by you. Whither,
Midst falling decades, have you gone? Oh in what lucky fellow,
Unsure of himself, upset, and unemployable
For the moment in any case, do you live now?
From my window I drop a nickel
By mistake. With
You I race down to get it
But I find there on
The street instead, a good friend,
X—- N——, who says to me
Kenneth do you have a minute?
And I say yes! I am in my twenties!
I have plenty of time! In you I marry,
In you I first go to France; I make my best friends
In you, and a few enemies. I
Write a lot and am living all the time
And thinking about living. I loved to frequent you
After my teens and before my thirties.
You three together in a bar
I always preferred you because you were midmost
Most lustrous apparently strongest
Although now that I look back on you
What part have you played?
You never, ever, were stingy.
What you gave me you gave whole
But as for telling
Me how best to use it
You weren’t a genius at that.
Twenties, my soul
Is yours for the asking
You know that, if you ever come back.

Funkin'....eh?

As many of you know, I am a proud member of a Boston "vocal band," a.k.a. non-collegiate adult a cappella group. Yes, I'm even cooler than you thought. When I joined this group back in March 2009, the group had four members (2 guys , 2 girls) and was called Downtown Crossing. Downtown Crossing had existed for some unknown number of years and performed a few regular high-profile gigs (like the Boston AIDS walk) and the occasional private event. However, not long after I joined, 2 of the 4 of us left, and a bunch of new folks came in. And something we all agreed on was that our name kind of sucked. I mean, Downtown Crossing is like my least favorite area in Boston. It's such an eyesore. It brings to mind fast food chains, a urine-soaked T stop, and the sad, gutted remains of the original Filene's Basement.

Filene, I'm glad you're not alive to see this.

So we came up (or, really the friend of a member came up) with a new name: Funkin' A!

The exclamation is part of the name, which will become relevant in a moment.

Funkin' A! is ridiculous, but so is singing a cappella when you're a grown-up. At least with a tongue-and-cheek name, it's clear that we're in on the joke. And let's be real, it's not like people were clamoring to hire us when we were Downtown Crossing.

Now, fast forward to January 2011. Funkin' A! has done a handful of legit gigs, at venues like Harper's Ferry (R.I.P.) and All Asia. We are seven members strong. Our visual blend is excellent (i.e. we're good-looking). We have a functional website, a solid repertoire of more than dozen songs, and a Facebook fan page. Then we received this e-mail:

Hello guys and girls.

My name is Kyle Fitzpatrick. I am the singer/guitarist and primary songwriter of Funkin' A...we have been together using the name "Funkin' A" for 2 years now. Im sending a friendly message telling you I have had this name Trademarked. I have had the official certificate for the past two months. I have known of your existence for a while now, but thought you guys might realize that we did have it first and we play very often. Our website will be up soon. We are going to be recording an album that will be on iTunes in the next few months and your name must change. We will likely come to play Boston. We are completely prepared to take this to the next step if you guys do not comply. Its a great name, and we had it first. I expect to hear back in a timely response, or you will hear from our lawyers.

Kyle Fitzpatrick

Funkin' A


Friendly message? Seemed a little douchey to us. And honestly, how serious can the band be if they don't even have a website? This photo accompanied the e-mail, further convincing us of the ass-itude of Mr. Fitzpatrick, who has yet to master how to flip an image in Photoshop. (That's probably next on the agenda, after setting up a website and leading his Funkin' A incarnation, which happens to be a Long Island-based jam band, to superstardom.)

I mean, he has a goatee and is wearing some kind of beret/beanie chapeau. COME ON.

We composed a polite response to Mr. FitzP, explaining that we hardly pose a threat and hey, isn't the world big enough for two bands with the same silly name? We have no iTunes aspirations. We will never perform outside of Boston. It's unlikely our respective "fans" will ever get confused. And besides, our name has an awesome/hilarious/ironic exclamation point after it. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Kyle wrote back a nastier missive than the first one, still threatening legal action and still demonstrating an ignorance of when to use apostrophes. Our group has reached a consensus that if this dude really wants to shell out a grand to pay a lawyer to send us a cease and desist letter, well, let him do that. His money to waste as he pleases. We are doing funking nothing until a certified letter arrives. This is assuming Kyle's crack legal team (apparently he has "lawyers" plural) can even find a physical address for us. Good luck with that, Kyle.

In the meantime, we are considering the following possible names:
1) The Kyle Fitzpatricks
2) Fun$kin' A!!!!!!!!
3) Funkin' B
4) Fuckin' A (though we'd probably lose the AIDS Walk gig)

Finally, for your reading pleasure, I give you Funkin' A's sentence-fragment-infested bio, in which I have highlighted what I believe to be the most mock-able elements:

"Funkin' A is a cognitive ensemble driven by the perpetual quest to rock the funk out. From Long Island, NY - absorbing themselves in as many different styles of music as they can to fuel their diversity....striving to be open vessels to the ever-evolving new possibilities in this musical universe. The band took shape in Jan. 2009. Each musician had been in different projects and various outfits. They are now eclectic groove conductors. Diverse, catchy rhythms...unique songs.. They are not your average band....Come see Funkin' A."

It's true, they are not your average band, excuse me, "cognitive ensemble." They are much, much worse. I would say that if you're in the New York area, avoid this group like the plague, but I don't have to. Unless you're in Patchogue or Amagansett, NY, Funkin' A won't be playing at a venue near you anytime soon.

John Cage: crazy bastard or crazy genius?

I'll let you be the judge.




Oh, and if you think this is bizarre, you should read up on his piece entitled "As Slow as Possible"
that's currently being performed in a church in Germany. It's slated to take 639 years to play. The performance began in 2001, so it will end in 2640. I wish I were kidding. Cage enthusiasts are some crazy motherfuckers.

A little Sunday playlist

It's Sunday and I should be devoting my day to my mountains of homework, but instead I'm blogging. Go fig.

I'm a big fan of covers, on my bed and in music. A good cover, in my opinion, is one that improves upon the original song or at least brings something new to it. It is my dream to one day form a cover band that performs covers of famous covers. This band will be called Duvet. Some of my favorite covers include:

1. When You Were Mine, as covered by Tegan and Sara
2. Beautiful, as covered by Clem Snide
3. Umbrella, as covered by Scott Simons
4. Hurt, as covered by Johnny Cash
5. You Know I'm No Good, as covered by Arctic Monkeys
6. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, as covered by Amy Winehouse
7. Melt With You, as covered by Nouvelle Vague
8. Que Sera Sera, as covered by Pink Martini
9. Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps, as covered by Cake
10. Careless Whisper, as covered by Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds

If you also are avoiding your homework, I encourage you to, as Buckwheat would say, take a wisten!

Ten Great Make-out Songs

It's summer, which is in my opinion, the best season for making out. Not that making out is a seasonal pleasure, but there's something about sun and beaches and fruity cocktails that makes me especially keen to lock lips. So here's my list of all-time favorite songs that are well-suited for smooching. Feel free in the comments section to add in your own picks!

1. Crimson and Clover (Tommy James and the Shondells)
2. Succexy (Metric)*
3. Everybody Here Wants You (Jeff Buckley)
4. Father Figure (George Michael)
5. With a Girl Like You (The Troggs)
6. This is Not a Love Song (Nouvelle Vague)
7. Can't Stop Thinking About You (Martin Sexton)
8. Tear You Apart (She Wants Revenge)
9. I've Got To See You Again (Norah Jones)
10. You Know I'm No Good (Arctic Monkeys)

*Really, every song on Metric's album Old World Underground, Where Are You Now is great for making out.

The obligatory MJ post

Where were you when you heard the news?


I had just arrived to my 6 pm class and some girl was like, "Isn't it crazy, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, in the same day!"

And I was like, "blerg, what, huh, really?"

The girl showed me the headline on her iPhone triumphantly, clearly thrilled that she got to deliver THE NEWS to someone. When I checked my cell phone during a break in class, sure enough, I had 5 "Michael Jackson died!" text messages. I didn't understand until later that night, at a bar:

Me: "Guys, we should toast to MJ!" [cheers erupt]

My friend Claire: "Why are we toasting Michael Jackson?"

Everyone else at the bar: "BECAUSE HE DIED, omg, DIDN'T YOU HEAR???!?!?!??"

There is something oddly satisfying about being the bearer of important, internationally relevant bad news. Another friend told me he was walking down Boylston St. and a guy was slowly riding his bike, stopping everyone to tell them. My friend speculated that he wasn't actually en route to anywhere, but just wanted to be the guy who told people that Michael Jackson was dead.

How affected am I by the King of Pop's death? I am shocked and sad-- I would have liked to see him succeed in his latest planned comeback tour. Like everyone, I love his early hits and was obsessed with the "Black or White" video for years. I had the "Bad" album on cassette and "Dangerous" was one of the first CDs I bought with my own money (along with Madonna's "Immaculate Collection" and Paula Abdul's "Spellbound").

But my life proceeds pretty normally minus Michael. I do feel a bit bad for Farrah -- until 2:26 pm PST on Thursday, she was definitely going to be on the cover of People this week. Now I'm guessing she'll get a sidebar photo.

Sad songs say so much

While my love life has been on the upswing lately (though you'd never know it from my Facebook status), many friends have recently checked into the Heartbreak Hotel. Fortunately, I am a connoisseur of depressing music. My "Love Stinks" mix CD is good enough to patent and sell (for a limited time only!) on T.V. at 3 a.m.

What constitutes the perfect break-up mix, you ask? In my opinion, it's important to strike a balance between 2 types of songs:

1. Very very sad, wrist-slitting, I'll-never-find-love-again songs
2. Angry/indifferent I-am-better-off-without-you, you-fucking-loser songs

And ideally, the last song should contain some message about hope and things happening for a reason, to send the listener off on a mildly upbeat, Zen note.

So here's my playlist of 36 songs that are guaranteed to make your next break-up suck a little less. Some are classics, some less familiar. I'm including links to all the tracks, which you can listen to for free, thanks to Songza.

1. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead (Stars)
2. She's Got You (Patsy Cline)
3. Destroy the Evidence (Casiotone for the Painfully Alone)
4. Rootless Tree (Damien Rice)
5. Sorry (Maria Mena)
6. Fuck the Pain Away (Peaches)
7. Comfortable (John Mayer)
8. Irreplaceable (Beyonce)
9. Where Did I Go Wrong (Martin Sexton)
10. Foundations (Kate Nash)
11. The Grass Is Blue (Dolly Parton)
12. Leave (Glen Hansard)
13. Reflections (Diana Ross and the Supremes)
14. Let Him Fly (Patty Griffin)
15. Too Tired (DeVotchKa)
16. I'll Be Seeing You (Billie Holiday)
17. Comeback (Josh Rouse)
18. Middle Cyclone (Neko Case)
19. Tears Dry on Their Own (Amy Winehouse)
20. Most of the Time (Bob Dylan)
21. This is Not A Love Song (Nouvelle Vague)
22. Past, Present, Future (The Shangri-Las)
23. Fuck and Run (Liz Phair)
24. Jolene (Ray LaMontagne)
25. Since U Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson)
26. Fistful of Love (Antony and the Johnsons)
27. Furniture (Final Fantasy)
28. Love Ridden (Fiona Apple)
29. When You Were Mine (Prince)
30. Smoke (Ben Folds Five)
31. How Come You Don't Call Me (Alicia Keys)
32. Lover, You Should Have Come Over (Jeff Buckley)
33. Untouchable Face (Ani DiFranco)
34. For No One (The Beatles)
35. Let It Die (Feist)
36. The Heart of the Matter (Don Henley)

If your heart has to get broken, at least make sure you have a decent soundtrack ready.

Caroling, caroling

I am a big fan of Christmas music. On my iPod, I have a playlist with 70+ holiday songs on it, from artists as diverse as Judy Garland and Bing Crosby to Mariah Carey and the Muppets. And it occurs to me that pretty much all Christmas songs fit into one of three cateogories: dirty, depressing, and stupid/juvenile.

Dirty Christmas carols, you ask? Whatever do you mean? My stepdad is responsible for pointing this first example out to me. Take a gander at the lyrics to "Santa Claus Got Stuck in my Chimney," which was originally recorded by Ella Fitzgerald in 1960:

Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney
Stuck in my chimney, stuck in my chimney
Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney
When he came last year.

There he was in the middle of my chimney
Roly-poly, fat and round
There he was in the middle of my chimney
Not quite up and not quite down

Santa please come back to my chimney
Back to my chimney, back to my chimney
Santa please come back to my chimney
You can come back here.

Wow, right? The song takes the vagina-as-chimney metaphor really far.

I also think the allegedly innocent "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is open to myriad interpretations. I know that we're supposed to assume that what the kid sees (and misunderstands) is his dad dressed up as Santa and his mom kissing his dad. But I always think about the other possibility-- that dad is upstairs asleep while mom is playing tonsil hockey with the 19-year-old mall Santa. Or I imagine another verse -- where after Mommy kisses and tickles Santa, things progress to less PG-13-rated events. "Then I saw Mommy fellating Santa Claus..."

"Santa Baby," about a greedy woman who wants the deed to a diamond mine and a new car among other things, also has a naughty feel to it...though I think the song would be awesome
if sampled in a remix of Kanye West's "Gold-Digger." You know, to give it more contemporary
relevance.

The second category, the Depressing Songs, is where all my favorites are. I like my pop culture super sad, as is evidenced by my love of Richard Yates and Patsy Cline. Songs like "I'll Be Home for Christmas" and "White Christmas" play up the more emotionally confusing part of Christmas-- the moments where, after too much spiked eggnog, you start thinking about Christmases past and get nostalgic about ex-lovers and dead relatives.

The mother of all depressing Christmas songs is of course the oft-covered "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." The history of the song, which was written for the film Meet Me in St. Louis, is quite fascinating and even has its own Wikipedia page. Now the lyrics seem tame, but the original lyrics? Wrist-slitting material. Check it out:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York

No good times like the olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more

But at least we all will be together
If the Lord allows
From now on, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

See what I mean? Now we sing about hanging stars on shiny boughs and all that bullshit. When really, the song is about "muddling through" life. Pass the schnapps!

Finally, the stupid/juvenile carols. I HATE THESE. Examples include "Grandma Got Run Over by
a Reindeer" and "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth." These songs really should
just disappear from holiday anthologies.

Now, all of the above examples are fairly old songs -- but contemporary recording artists are
attempting to add to the Christmas canon. A few years ago, Newsong came out with what might be the worst Christmas song of all time: The Christmas Shoes.

I mean, it's so awesomely bad that it's almost good. Almost.

This holiday season, I saw that Aretha Franklin had put out her first album of Christmas songs, so I decided to buy it for my mom. We listened to it in the car after she picked me up from the airport. And were immediately flabbergasted. The album panders to the most stereotypical images of a down-home Southern Christmas. In between songs, Aretha talks about chittlins. Seriously. I'm not even black and I'm offended.

The final track is Aretha reading a special adaptation of "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Her version makes references to her "bro" and her "diddy" (which prompted my mother to ask, "What's a 'diddy'?") and instead of waiting up for Ol' St. Nick, Aretha is waiting for her new man to arrive. When he does show up, she runs him out of the house for not bringing adequate gifts. As he exits, instead of shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night," he yells, "You'se one hell of a woman, 'Retha!"

Download it if you don't believe me.

Happy holidays, everyone -- I encourage you to sing till you're blue (red? green?) in the face
and try to follow to paradoxical advice offered in "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," namely to dance merrily in "the new old-fashioned way." Good luck with that.

Yacht Rock

It's summer and there's no better time to kick back on your yacht, sip some Chardonnay, and listen to some smooth music while reflecting on your affluence. Here's a little playlist, put together by DJ GB, who hosts a Yacht Rock* night the first Thursday of every month at Lolita. Click on the links to play the songs for free (thanks Songza!)

• Sister Golden Hair (America)
• Key Largo (Bertie Higgins)
• Lowdown (Boz Scaggs)
• Year of the Cat (Al Stewart)
• I'm Not in Love (10cc)
• You're So Vain (Carly Simon)
• Sailing (Christopher Cross)
  
• I'd Really Love to See You Tonight (England Dan & John Ford Coley)
• What a Fool Believes (The Doobie Brothers)
• Reminiscing (Little River Band)
• This Is It (Kenny Loggins)
• I Keep Forgetting (Michael McDonald)
• Brandy, You're a Fine Girl (Looking Glass)
• Love Will Find a Way (Pablo Cruise)
• Steal Away (Robbie Dupree)
• Africa (Toto)
• Magnet and Steel (Walter Egan)
• Summer Breeze (Seals & Crofts)
• Reelin' in the Years (Steely Dan)

*Wikipedia definition: Yacht rock is a variation of popular soft rock that peaked between the years of 1976 and 1984.In the musical sense, yacht rock refers to the highly polished brand of soft rock that emanated from Southern California during the late ’70s and early ’80s. The term is meant to suggest the kind of smooth, mellow music that early yuppies likely enjoyed while sipping champagne and snorting cocaine on their yachts. Additionally, since sailing was such a popular local leisure activity, some “yacht rockers” made nautical references in their lyrics and album artwork, particularly the anthemic track "Sailing," by Christopher Cross.