Corporations on my shit list

Lately, The Man has really been getting me down, or at least The Man as represented by large national companies. I love to support local businesses, but let's be real, the fries at McDonald's are pretty bomb and sometimes, there's just no substituting them when you're starved at 1 a.m. and nothing else is open.

But McDonald's isn't really pissing me off actively right now. I actually find the discontinuation of the dollar menu between the hours of midnight and 2 a.m. at my local McD's more amusing than irritating -- if you ever need a good laugh, I highly recommend watching drunk people try to order dollar fries and shakes and be told over and over again that they have to buy an entire extra value meal. This goes on every night at the McD's at the corner of Commonwealth and Harvard Avenue in Allston, MA. Comedy gold.

No, today my ire is aimed at Dunkin' Donuts, Panera, and Best Buy. Let's start with the most minor offender: Dunkin's. Recently, they stopped offering an egg white option for their breakfast sandwiches. I guess high cholesterol and obesity are back in vogue. There is still the egg white flatbread, but it's disgusting -- dry, with alleged turkey sausage and flecks of green and red that I suppose are meant to resemble peppers. Not that the regular breakfast sandwiches were any culinary masterpiece, but at least you could get them on an English muffin, which is approximately 1,000 times tastier than the mealy flatbread monstrosity.

There was also some deception that transpired at the Boylston/Tremont location -- I came in one day and was told they were "out" of the egg whites that I had gotten in the habit of ordering on an English muffin with cheese. I was informed that they just ran out but would have them again soon. LIES. Two days later, the same thing happened, but I was again reassured that it was a temporary outage, no cause for alarm. About a week after that, they finally dropped the ruse and broke the news to me that egg whites were a thing of the past.

Dunkin' Donuts, you are dead to me.

Next offender: Panera. I'm actually writing this from a Panera right now, fueled by their subpar coffee and injustice. Let me say that it pains me to muckrake a corporation that began as a local chain in my hometown of St. Louis. Once upon a time, Panera was St. Louis Bread Company, a great little cafe with delicious pastries. From the ages of 8-18, I ate countless tuna-salad-on- honey-wheat sandwiches. As Panera, the food is still pretty solid. I particularly enjoy the Fuji apple chicken salad, despite the fact that the dressing is the exact color and consistency of semen.


The location in Brookline advertises free wifi, so today I came for lunch and brought my laptop. When I logged on to the network at 12:45, I saw a disclaimer that between the peak hours of 11:30-1:30, I could only be online for 30 minutes. I was slightly annoyed that this policy was not made clear on the numerous "free high speed wireless internet!" signs, but whatever, I thought, I'll have to be disconnected for like 15 minutes, from 1:15-1:30 and then I can get back on.

As expected, I got bumped off at 1:15. I waited till 1:30....couldn't get back on. 1:40....still nothing. I asked an employee (Charissa) and she told me the peak hours are actually from 11-2. I told her this is not what it says on the "log in" home page. She also said that sometimes it's limited to 30 minutes even not during peak hours because they have a problem with students camping out for hours and occupying tables. By the way she snarkily informed me of this, I could tell she thought I fell into this category. I told her I have been here less than an hour, bought and ate lunch here and was in the middle of writing an important e-mail when I was kicked off (this was true). She offered me a complimentary cookie. I told Charissa to go fuck herself and get a real name.

Ok, the last part isn't true. But I did turn down the cookie. I have some principles. The good news is that the town of Brookline has a cheap wifi service you can sign up for, so I am now taking up a large booth to blog about this. Suck it, Panera.

Finally, the corporation most deserving of my hatred -- Best Buy. Last year, my dad bought me an Insignia flatscreen HD TV with a built-in DVD player. In March, a little over a year after acquiring this TV, the DVD player stopped working. I took it in to Best Buy since it was still under warranty. It took them 2 weeks, but they repaired the DVD player. I brought the TV home and about a week later, the DVD player stopped working AGAIN. I called Best Buy and asked if I could get a new TV since this one was obviously a piece of garbage. They told me that per my warranty, they won't replace the TV until it's been sent out for service FOUR TIMES. It has to break FOUR TIMES before they replace it, and remember, each time it goes out for service, it takes 2 weeks to fix. Unacceptable.

My dad, who loves lost causes and in his semi-retirement writes a lot of angry letters, was pretty pissed that this policy was buried in the fine print of the extended warranty agreement he signed. He chewed out a Best Buy supervisor named Troy, based in Colorado. I guess it brings me a little pleasure to think about Troy (employee ID #153162) in Colorado getting yelled at by a 65-year-old man in St. Louis who's furious that his daughter's DVD player in Boston is broken. My dad threatened Troy that he would "post a blog on the internet" (I didn't have the heart to tell him that statement's redundant) and bring Best Buy to its knees, defaming Troy and all the Troys in the Best Buy corporate machine who rip off the little people.

Et tu, Troy?

Then Dad ordered me an external DVD player. From Walmart. We'll see how this plays out.

Yelping about blogging, I mean, blogging about Yelping

I remember very clearly when I first heard about Yelp, back when it was first launching just as a site for New Yorkers to write reviews about local businesses*. It makes sense that Yelp originated there -- New Yorkers have high standards and love to complain loudly and publicly. I was at a party in Hell's Kitchen and my friend Sam was telling me about his new job with a brand new website.

"It's called Yelp," he said, "and it's a site where once you set up an account, you can review restaurants and stuff. Anyone can write the reviews and the businesses can't take them down, even if they're bad."

"Wow, that sounds really cool," I said. "I'll have to check it out." In my head, I thought it sounded retarded. I was sure it would never take off -- I mean, who wants to read reviews written by ignorant people?

Fast forward to the present, in which I am now not only a Yelp member, but a member of the Elite Squad. I applied and was granted Elite status in the summer of 2009; basically, in exchange for Yelping frequently (and wittily), I get invited to some special events with free food and booze.

And speaking of witty, I thought I'd share one of my favorite Yelp reviews ever, written by my friend, Jon. Jon lives in Chicago and had a "conflict" with a tailoring business. Here is his review of Without a Trace Weavers:

A small hole in one of my favorite sweaters precipitated my search for a good reweaver, and Chicago Magazine recommended Without a Trace, with locations on the Gold Coast and in Chicago's North Park neighborhood. I dropped my sweater off at the Gold Coast location and was told they would be in contact with me when the repairs were completed. Fast forward several weeks later, and my sweater was ready for pick up.

Without a Trace's strange hours (open only until 4:30pm) did not make it easy for me to return to collect my garment, as I had recently begun work in the suburbs and it had become difficult for me to be downtown before they close. I did not pick up my garment until a few weeks after the repairs were completed, and only after several increasingly frantic and accusatory phone calls from the business. For the benefit (and entertainment) of all Yelpers, here is an excerpted portion of the most psychotic voice message:

"I don't know why you're refusing just to come pick up your sweater. . . um, this isn't right. . . I don't understand why you'd bring something in and not pick it up or return any calls. . . I just. . . it's something. . ."

I had never before received as bizarre or manic a voicemail before. Not from any ex after a bad breakup, or from any crazy member of my family. Now, this voice message may lead you to believe that I'm one of those sick people who gets off on dropping off garments for dry cleaning, alterations, or repairs. and then leaving them there forever sticking the company with the bill. Ha, the joke is on you, reweaving company! Reality? A too-long turnaround time and inconvenient hours of operations made it difficult to pick up my sweater, only one of several that I own and that provide me warmth and comfort on a regular basis.

When I returned to pick up my garment, I asked the nice young man working at the time if it was he that left me the aforementioned message. I told him that it was the single most psychotic, unprofessional voicemail that I had ever received. Without hesitation, the employee told me that it must have been the owner, Michael. This leads me to believe that I am not the first customer to suffer the indignity of dealing with the business's proprietor.

If you're looking for a healthy dose of abuse along with your garment repair, might I suggest Without a Trace? If you happen to be reading this, Michael, might I suggest for you some time on the couch with a good psychotherapist? It's not terribly professional to work through your obviously complex emotional issues on your customers' answering machines!

Sometimes when you write a negative review, the business will respond and apologize/offer an incentive to give them another try. Usually, if this happens, it will happen within a month or so of the review being posted. I, however, recently received a message from Sandella's, a place I reviewed over a year ago. Here's my review and the subsequent message -- I suggest doing a dramatic reading to get the full effect:

Neither tasty nor healthy, Sandella's has little to recommend it. My ham, spinach and swiss "panini" was greasy and measly (seriously, like one slice of ham) and lacking the promised "mango habanero salsa." Also, it wasn't really a panini -- kind of like a sad, deflated burrito. I will not be back.

13 months later.....

Hello Katie. I know you had a bad experience at my restaurant and I appreciate the feedback. The reason why I have taken so long to write back is we have done an extensive menu change and have worked hard over the past year to make the food experience much better.

Since your review and taking into consideration some of your valid points we have hired a chef and worked with her for several months and redesigned the menu. I took the spinach and swiss product off the menu and now offer a choice of Iggy's foccacia along with our flatbread as a panini option. I too agree that what we were serving before was not good. We have also brought in brown rice, avocado and several other ingredients to update our products. We also offer a make your own option for rice bowls, grilled flatbread pizzas and the salads. You can also feel free to design your own panini if you so desire. I understand that you may not wish to give us another try and even worse we could disappoint you a second time but I assure you that we have tried to be a better establishment and many people do like what we are doing now.

So I appreciate the valid review and I hope there are no hard feelings. If you ever do give us a try again I really hope we do a better job this time around. We have really, really put a lot of effort into making things better. However we still are a moderate food establishment that tries to serve a decent product as quickly as possible so there are no miracles here!
Thank you for the input. Sincerely, Nick M.

I am amused and touched by Nick M's response. He really took my comments to heart, it seems, but acknowledges the challenges of trying to serve "a decent product" in what's basically a fast-food venue. I may just give Sandella's another go.

*Apparently, Yelp actually started in San Francisco. New York was added soon after.

In Memoriam: Allston Cafe

Friends, it is with great sadness that I announce the closing of one of my favorite neighborhood haunts: The Allston Cafe.

Since moving to Boston a little over two years ago, I have frequented the Allston Cafe (formerly known as Herrell's, when it was under different ownership). On Yelp, I gave it a rare five-star review. It was really a unique place, beloved by Allstonians, and very popular. On weekends, it was often impossible to get a seat and the wait for their amazing breakfast sandwiches was sometimes epic, but always worth it. I always overheard people discussing their art shows, band tours, and latest tattoos. The wifi was free and the coffee was strong. And they served breakfast all day, every day. What genius created the Tiny Mighty, the eggless breakfast sandwich for only $2.14? What giant among men (or women) figured out that grape jelly would take the Meg Muffin (egg, cheese, sausage) to the next level?

Apparently, Allston Cafe was forced to close due to a dramatic rent increase to the tune of $1700, or roughly 794 Tiny Mightys. I recorded my final visit this past Saturday; I hope you enjoy my photographic tribute.

Oysters and clams and lobsters, oh my!

I used to have mixed feelings about mollusks. While I have always loved scallops, squid, and mussels (favorite meal: mussels, fries, glass of red wine), clams never did much for me and oysters used to inspire ambivalence (or ambivalvence? PUN!). Oysters were too salty and fishy-tasting, too slimy in texture. I would eat them, if others felt inclined to order them, but I never really understood their appeal.

However, feelings and taste buds can change over time. Now I LOVE oysters and all their accouterments, from the little forks to the mignonette sauce. Fortunately, I work at Lineage, where we serve $1 oysters at the bar every day from 5-7 pm. We get our oysters from Island Creek, which is located in Duxbury, MA, about 35 miles south of Boston. This past Monday, Lineage was closed so that the entire staff (prep cooks, servers, dishwashers, everyone) could take a field trip to Island Creek.

It was a gorgeous sunny day -- we toured the harvesting facilities (it's a small, family-style operation) and then went out to the nurseries at low tide to wade among crabs, clams, oysters, mussels and lobsters. Then we docked at a barge and ate the freshest seafood you can imagine.

Pretty awesome. Definitely a highlight of summer 2010.

If you're in the Boston area, you should definitely come to Lineage for oysters (and dinner!). Restaurant Week(s) is coming up: August 15-20 and 22-27. Also, be sure to watch for the opening of The Island Creek Oyster Bar in September!

Hup Holland!

I've now been back from Europe for a week and I'm experiencing the classic post-vacation slump. After looking forward to the trip for months, I miss....looking forward to it. But the good news is, it was everything I hoped it would be and I have amazing pictures/memories, some of which I will now share on this blog. Below are the highlights and insights from my week-long trip to the Netherlands and Belgium, in Top Ten list form!

1. Dutch sounds and looks like a made-up Muppet language.

It's very easy to read Dutch, because it looks like a hybrid of German and English. Some of my favorite words:

winkel = store
eethuis = restaurant ("eat house")
slagroom = whipped cream
graag = please
wijn = wine

Spoken Dutch sounds similar to German, but with more enthusiasm and inflection. German is kind of like Dutch, minus the joy.

2. Witnessing two World Cup victories (quarter- and semi-final) almost made a sports fan out of me. I mean, this is infectious:




3. Dutch is not one of the world's great cuisines. Though I did enjoy stamppot, a traditional dish consisting of mashed potatoes, endives, bacon, and sausage. And in Belgium, things improved culinarily:


Yes, that's a gigantic pot of mussels. The frites weren't bad, either, though I still prefer them with ketchup as opposed to mayo.

4. Sexual Chocolate (Coming to America):


vs. sexual chocolate (Bruges):


5. European train stations are about 3,000 times cooler than American train stations. Case in point: Antwerp.



6. You are not supposed to take pictures in the Red Light District, so sadly, I don't have any. I will, however, share this tidbit about prostitution from one of my guidebooks:

"If you visit one of the women, we would like to remind you, they are not always women. Do not take pictures of the women. Out on the streets, do not shout or use bad language towards these women. Show some respect. If you have any problems with a girl or a pimp, do not hesitate to ask a police officer. We know why you are there and you can hardly surprise us."

Another guidebook gem, re: urinating in public: "A dirty habit, and always committed by men."

7. Hash + Van Gogh Museum = stellar combination.

8. The oldest gay bar in Amsterdam, Cafe 't Mandje, was opened by a lesbian named Bet van Beeren:


9. You can buy actual wooden shoes in the Netherlands

10. Everything is prettier when you're on vacation

Put it in your mouth

This post shares its title with one of my favorite all-time songs, a ridiculously explicit anthem about oral sex by Akinyele. If you're not familiar, you should download it from iTunes, like, yesterday.

But this post is not about sex, but one of life's other great pleasures: food. Mmmmm.  Like Harold and Kumar, I like food that's tasty AND delicious.  So here's a little list of my favorite things in Boston to put in my mouth:

1) French toast from Allston Cafe (nee Herrell's)

You can order breakfast anytime at the Allston Cafe, so it's not unusual to see people enjoying their legendary french toast at 4 p.m. On my birthday, they put a candle on it for me and gave me a free side of sausage. Now that's what I call service.

2) Mussels from Silvertone

A heaping portion of succulent bivalves for something like $8. Add fries and a glass of their Cab Franc. 

3) Butterscotch pudding from Lineage

Ok, I'm a little biased because I work here, but I don't even like butterscotch and think this dessert is amazing. The consistency of the pudding is perfect and it comes with homemade whipped cream and caramelized nuts on top.  YUMTOWN.

4) 57 T-Bird veggie dog from Spike's Junkyard Dogs

I'm not a vegetarian, but I live dangerously close to Spike's and feel it would be detrimental to eat actual hotdogs all the time. So I have found a solution in their fat free veggie dogs, which can almost pass for the real thing. The T-Bird comes slathered in swiss cheese and honey mustard. I always tell myself I'm going to forgo the fries....and that works out about 50% of the time.

5) Prune-stuffed gnocchi with foie gras from No. 9 Park

It's stupid how good this tastes. Should possibly be against the law.

6) Pizza from Pizza Pie-er

The name is terrible.  Looks stupid written and you sound equally dumb saying it out loud. But the pizza is tasty and healthy, as far as pizza goes. You can get whole wheat crust and fat-free cheese. Also, you can order online and they take credit cards. So far, I've tried the Pizza Al Noci (spinach and mushroom with a walnut-pesto base sauce) and chicken, artichoke and ricotta. My next ingenious topping combo: bacon, feta, and black olives.  

7) Fried pickles from Jacob Wirth's

No explanation needed.

8) Tuna tartare coronets at Cuchi Cuchi

Cuchi Cuchi has such a vast selection of small plates that it's often hard to narrow it down when it's time to order.  I never skip the tuna tartar coronets, though; they come with a little bit of avocado mousse and have the perfect amount of cream and crunch to complement the fish.

9) The North Ender at Boston Burger Co.

An 8 oz. burger with mozzarella, tomato and balsamic mayo.  It's messy and thus best enjoyed alone, but don't let that deter you.

10) The clam chowder....anywhere    

Boston's known for its chowdah and most places don't disappoint. I haven't found one bowl that stands out from the rest....suggestions?

"Are they made from real Girl Scouts?"

Of course, the answer is no. But even if I found out they were made from real Girl Scouts, it might not stop me from gorging on them. (Side note: Wednesday Addams = easily the highlight of Christina Ricci's career.)

I currently have two boxes in my freezer: Thin Mints and Tagalongs. I am also fond of Samoas, but I refuse to buy them since they changed the name to Caramel deLites. What is that shit about? My friend Alan pointed out that maybe the person who invented the cookie was from Samoa and trying to pay homage to his heritage. To demonstrate my solidarity with this most-likely-fictional Samoan baker, I will not buy or eat Caramel deLites.

Other cookies have undergone some name changes or the name varies depends on the region where they are sold. I distinctly remember what now are called Do-Si-Dos being called Savannahs when I was growing up. And every year, there are new kinds of cookies, like Daisy-Go-Rounds (which are apparently cinnamon-flavored) and 2010's Thank U Berry Much cookie, which according to a review on Slashfood, is excessively sweet and contains cranberry and white fudge chunks. (Side note #2: How does one become a Girl Scout cookie reviewer and what are the qualifications? Is rigorous training involved?)

You can waste a lot of time reading "Girl Scout Cookie FAQs" here. My favorite questions include "Don't Girl Scout cookies contribute to the childhood obesity problem?" and "Why didn't my Girl Scout receive her cookie patch?" (Side note #3: The answer to the latter is unfortunately not "Because the bitch didn't sell enough cookies, duh.")

But you know what's better than reading about Girl Scout cookies online? EATING THEM.


C is for Cookie, and that's good enough for me!

Restaurant Lexicon

Now that I've been working in the food & beverage industry for a year and a half, I have a handle on some of the lingo and thought it would be fun to provide a handy guide for those of you out there who may be trying to break into the exciting business of waiting tables. If you don't have any experience, you'll probably have to make up some to get hired (my first resume created for a restaurant job was definitely a piece of creative writing). And to "pass" as someone with experience, you have to talk the talk as well as walk the walk.

B and B: Not a cozy inn, but rather a small plate for bread (and butter).

Deuce: A table that seats two people.

Eighty-six: To be out of something, i.e. "86 lobster tacos." There are various theories about the origin of this expression.

FOH: Abbreviation for "front of house" staff.

On the books: refers to the number of reservations on a given night. "How many are on the books?" translates to "how many reservations do we have?"

Pre-meal: Sadly, not a meal, but a meeting for the FOH before service.

Sat: As in, "You just got sat." Means a table in your section has just been seated.

Sidework: Stuff you do when you're not busy, like polish silverware and fold napkins.

Sous: Short for sous chef.

Stodge: Can be a noun or verb; refers to a trial or apprentice shift.

Walk-in: A large refrigerator, big enough to walk into.

Weeds: As in, "I'm in the weeds." Not a good place to be; means you're slammed and falling behind.

Working in a restaurant is tough and knowing the slang is only one small part; balancing trays, communicating amidst chaos, dealing with the occasional wretched customer, it's all more exhausting than you'd think. Honestly. I worked Friday night, Saturday night, and brunch this morning and I'm wiped. I must have filled 500 glasses of water; when one women commented on my water-refilling vigilance, I said solemnly, "I am a water sentinel."

In searching for some kind of picture to represent "water sentinel," I stumbled upon the lyrics to a song recorded by Ella Fitzgerald called "I Want the Waiter (With the Water)." Many of the lyrics are nonsensical ("He's got a menu that will send you and befriend you") but I still enjoy it. Ella, had you walked into my restaurant, your water needs would have been fulfilled...and refilled.

Finally, I'm betting my tips would be better if I were allowed to wear this:

The Vagnino Recipes

Last night, I went to see "Julie & Julia" and while I found Julie Powell as a character to be incredibly annoying, Meryl Streep's performance definitely redeemed the $12.50 spent on the ticket. Yes, movies in NYC are that expensive.

The movie inspired me to cook and write about it -- after all, maybe if this were a food blog, I'd have Amanda Hesser coming over for dinner and a book deal just like Julie P.!

So for this entry only, pretend this is a food blog. I do love to cook and would honestly rank my skills at slightly-above-average. I still need to basically follow recipes, but the food I prepare is almost always tasty. And boy, can I ever zest the crap out of a lemon.

For a brief second, I contemplated posting my father's secret recipe for the "famous" Vagnino family spaghetti and meals. But then I decided that getting disinherited would be unwise, so instead I'll post a recipe from my aunt's humorous cookbook, How to Eat Like a Republican.

How do Republicans eat? Well, think heartland, think homestyle, think somewhat Southern. Many of the recipes in the book call for Tabasco and/or bacon and/or a shit-ton of butter. It's how we folks raised in the country's middle like to eat, regardless of the effects on our own middles.

This particular recipe was actually contributed by one of my aunt's Democrat friends -- it's called Zorba the Shrimp.

Serves 8

Ingredients:

3 tablespoons of olive oil
4 cups chopped onions
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1/2 cup finely chopped parsley
2 tablespoons finely chopped dill
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 teaspoon sugar
5 cups canned whole tomates (liquid reserved)
2 and 1/2 cups feta cheese, crumbled
3 pounds large shrimp, peeled and deveined

Preheat the oven to 425.

Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan or deep skillet. Add the onions and cook until golden. Add the garlic, parsley, and dill, the stir in the mustard and sugar. Add the tomatoes, 1 cup of the reserved tomato liquid and half of the feta. Simmer for 30 minutes, adjusting the consistency of the sauce with the remaining tomato liquid; it should not be too thick.


Add the shrimp, cook for one minute more, then pour the mixture into a heavy casserole. Sprinke with the rest of the feta and bake, uncovered, for 10-15 minutes, until the shrimp are just done (bright pink, no gray left) and the feta melts.

Serve immediately over orzo or rice and great crunchy bread. Bon appetit!