Networks, take note

I'm in NYC for the next few days and don't have much time to blog contemplatively...also, I just officially completed my first year of graduate school (!) and my brain is a little fried. So when I received a hilarious e-mail this morning from my friend Timothy Cooper, writer-comedian extraordinaire, I decided it would be a good idea to plagiarize him for today's post. Except I guess since I'm giving him credit, it might not count as plagiarism...regardless, he's a funny mofo and if you live in NYC, you should totally check out his improv group, Gluttony.

Since fall pilot season is right around the corner, Tim put together this list of show concepts to pitch to the networks.

POLTERDORK (ABC Family)
Jeroboam Sneed was already the biggest nerd in school...THEN he died.

HOLOCLAUSTROPHOBIA (HBO)
(No logline available)

F-TRAIN (Fox)
Jamie Foxx stars in the true story of a man who was born, lived, and died on the F-train.

OUCH (Food Network)
Foods that poke holes in your stomach.

THE SEXTH SENSE (Cinemax)
Between the sixth sense (dead people) and the seventh sense (smell again) lies the sexth sense, which allows you to see desperation. Parental guidance suggested, for brief nudity and light counting.

FARKLEHEIMER! (The History Channel)
The honest life and heroic death of Edward "Tibberton" Farkleheimer!, the first man with an exclamation point in his name.

THE SOLIPSIST (Showtime)
A mind-bending series cowritten by Charlie Kaufman, about a janitor named Charley who wants to kill his writer twin, Charlee, before she can finish her masterwork, "Kaufka," which is about their stepmom, Charlé, and her husband, Charlo, and their adopted daughter, Charlequa, who forgot why this was supposed to be interesting or clever.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW (Lifetime)
Jack's a well-to-do banker and wife-beater, but Tonya really likes new shoes. Will they EVER make this marriage work?

JIGGAWATT? (The CW)
Black Edison.

EVERYBODY DIES (Nickelodeon)
Every dead mom of every lead character in every Disney movie discusses different ways your parents might die soon.

STAR TRUCK (Sci-Fi)
Will a modified '93 Chevy pickup be able to keep its cabin—and William Shatner—pressurized at an even 14 lbs/sq. in. while orbiting the earth at 1,320,000 feet?

SQUID! (National Geographic)
Squid.

And I'd like to add two of my own to this list, which I devised with the help of my bf, Noah Tarnow (host of The Big Quiz Thing):

TOM HANKS ASLEEP (E!)
See the Angels and Demons star in his home, sleeping.

SLUT CRUISE (Fox Reality Network)
A cruise ship sets sail with $100,000 and dozens of men trying to figure out the one thing they have in common: that they've all slept with the same, slutty girl.